An Incomplete List of My Fears
Your palms are sweaty. Your heart is racing. Your mind flashes with images of everything that can go wrong.
What happened to my breathing? What the hell am I doing here? What if people find out I’m a fake?
It’s ok. You’re not alone.
The funnny thing about that scenario is a lot of you thought of different scenes. For me, I felt that right before writing this blog post. Sometimes I get it when I’m responding to someone on Facebook… Really. Other times it’s when when I see a girl I want to approach. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.
One thing I’ve been learning in Patterns school (link in the picture) is that *everyone* feels that fear every once in a while. The difference seems to be how people respond.
We listed our fears on a wall. The experience of giving them a name and making them a physical reality liberated me just a little bit. The next step would be sharing them with the world. And so here we are.
So now that I’m nervous, it’s time to list out some of the things that make me scared as shit.
*Cutting my hair
Working on something that’s not important
Losing myself and a sense of who I am
Being misunderstood (which makes me want to explain ALL of these)
Making people feel uncomfortable
Losing independent thought
Not giving enough
Making people weaker for having known me
Being a bad Sikh
Taking the wrong path
Working on the wrong thing
Being bad at sex
Talking about sex
Not learning anything
Being the center of attention
Disappointing my parents
Taking away someone’s freedom
Getting whta I deserve
Giving 100% and being wrong
Losing the ability to write without fully using it
Looking out for myself only
Engaging in mental masturbation
Not being able to dance
Being a bad dancer
Losing my empathy
Being selfishNot thinking through something enough
Promising somthing I can’t deliver
Being bad at stuff
Not having control over my emotions
Reacting to something in a negative way and hurting someone
Destroying the environment
Not responding quick enought to things that are important
Disappointing people who believe in me
People believing in me
Crushing someone’s dreams
Being found out
Abusing a relationship
Taking too much of other people’s time
Not getting married
Getting married to the wrong person
Being married to the right person and thinking it’s the wrong person
Destroying someone’s life
Being blamed for Rishi’s death
Not being able to protect others
Leaving people worse off for having met me
Producing bad work
Abusing someone’s trust
Losing control of myself
Abusing my relationships
Leaving the world worse off for my kids
Losing my mind
Dropping a baby
Being a bad singer
Letting my loved ones die without them knowing the truth
Losing my ability to understand
Losing my ability to care for others
Being thought of as selfish
Disappointing my community
Destroying someone’s dreams
Being a terrorist
Fear are irrational. They make little sense. A lot of them contradict each other (see marriage fears).
This is my way of throwing my middle fingers up to my fears.
Take that, you asshole fears.